D for Depression. If you thought the D was something else I’m sorry to disappoint your nasty ass lol, but stay with me anyway. This is just an account of what I went through.
Depression is a touchy subject for some people, even a few close to me still don’t really talk about it. Ive seen all types of reactions to the discussion, good and some not so much. Not everyone has an open mind on it, and not everyone knows what to say about depression or to anyone living with it. Depression is very real and it can reside in anyone, even the happiest looking people could be dealing with some heavy demons. Its very important not to dismiss this as something that can be easily cured.
High school is where I started feeling different. I was a joker, never speaking on anything too serious, always good for a laugh. I was involved in a lot of extracurricular activities, got a long with everyone including teachers. Anyone else would have been happy with that experience, it seemed great. But for no reason that I could find, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I wasn’t happy at home or at school. I wasn’t always sad, just not feeling anything good. Sort of like an ant at a picnic where the food is covered in cling wrap, I couldn’t get through to what everyone else was having. I didn’t want to say anything because I was the funny one, I couldn’t let people know I was sad and drag them down with me. So I developed a new talent, smiling when I didn’t want to exist anymore.
My second year of university is when I had my first romantic relationship. I was happy giving my time and love to him, I had my rose tinted glasses on, I felt I had a purpose for once, I thought that this is all I needed to cure the sadness – a boyfriend to love me!… Until he left me for someone else, and I went back to feeling like I didn’t belong. This time I started to think it was because I wasn’t good enough to belong. I thought I needed someone to love me to feel good about myself and be happy. When my love and attention wasn’t returned I started to stress out, thinking that I wasn’t good enough to be loved. I had more failed relationships romantic and platonic, each one leaving me feeling less and less lovable. I started blaming other people for how I was feeling. My fake smile wasn’t cutting it. I couldn’t hold myself together, because I had depended on others for my own happiness.
I felt like I had no reason to feel this sad. I have a good home, a good family, I went to church, and kept myself busy with sports. So why was I like this?! I felt guilty for not feeling happy. How could I be sad when there are people starving? I was ashamed for feeling so low.
I would cry to myself most nights. I hated myself for being unlovable and feeling sad about it. I thought my place here was pointless and that it would be better if I were dead.
I was referred to a counselor, then told that I had mild depression. They suggested I take anti-depressants. I was aware that there was so much help available for me, and I tried a lot of things to help, but everyone is different and I knew that I was the only one who could pull myself up.
Through a lot of time, reflection, more struggle and even more failed relationships; I found wisdom, strength, confidence and appreciation for my life. There was no sudden switch where I just woke up feeling good one day. I took it day by day. Started meditating, I started to read more Bible scriptures, and I was finally vocal about what I had been through and opening up. All of this helped me see things and deal with situations with a better attitude and outlook. I’m still learning things as I go, but I am a very different person from who I was back then. Fresh eyes. I feel so good.
Now when things go wrong I try to remember 1. Everything happens for a reason, 2. Not every day is a good day, but there is good in everyday, 3. The lyrics to Nobody’s Perfect by good ol’ Hannah Montana.