For a long time I was in a very malignant frame of mind. Behind my smiles I was afraid of being alone, afraid that no one would love me, and insecure. I thought I needed someone to love me in order for me to be happy. I was so desperate to be loved, that I would dive into a relationship and give myself away.
Years ago an ex of mine would constantly test me, stop me from going to clubs or hanging out with my male class mates, things like that. The worst was when he texted me during a class saying “It’s over”. I excused myself to call him and he started screaming some nonsense about I was cheating on him. I cried like a baby, begging him to stay with me even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. He asked me things like, would I give up every male friendship to be his? and I said yes. After more pathetic back and forth, he started giggling, and said it was only a joke and that he just wanted to see how much I loved him. This is an example of the bullshit that I had accepted for myself. I let myself be treated that way because I thought it was the love I deserved; I was uneducated when it came to love, I though love and relationships was all of that arguing, crying, guilt tripping and over compromise! I had no idea what I was worth, and I was so dependent on him for love and affection that I forgot about myself. I never saw how poisonous this was until long after we were done, I had no idea how unhealthy it was. Funnily enough he cheated on me lol.
To recover I thought it would be a smart idea to be just as bad as the guys I had dated. An ice queen without feelings, just love and leave ‘em. But that didn’t work out at all lol and it actually made me feel worse. I felt emptier and more alone than before. And it was through this that I realized that I have too much love within me, I could never be heartless.
I kept myself open for new love. A lot of the time I still found myself forcing something that wasn’t there, for the sake of having someone to be with me, so I wouldn’t be alone. I continued stressing about being alone, still depending on others for my own happiness. I was upset because I knew I had so much love in me but it seemed like no one wanted it. And I cried over guys who hadn’t been very nice to me, hadn’t even bought me dinner. Lol not that it’s about being treated, but I mean I was trying so hard to break and shape myself into someone I thought they wanted, but for what?
I think my problem was that I had been trying too hard to control things that no one can, instead of letting things go and leaving them be, and I had never properly taken the time to focus on what I needed and given myself the chance to know and appreciate who I am.
Last year was a tough time for my fatu, I loved and lost. But I’ve been using “Que sera, sera”, and “It is what it is” as my mantra. And it’s been sticking! There’s been a big shift in my attitude. I am more confident in who I am, I know my worth, I know my happiness can only come from me, and I’ve finally realized that I’m just not for everyone.
I value my independence so much more, and because of that, I know when the time comes and I connect with someone and develop a romantic relationship; I have the means to give them the best love I can give, with the security in me and love for myself to never be consumed or loose myself in that person. To still walk my own path and keep my independence, and simultaneously give an abundance of love to this person.
I’ve come a long way from the yielding girl I used to be and I feel good about that. No one can hurt me because I choose what hurts, no one can tell me what to do, no one can make me feel bad, and no one has any power over me. It’s all in Me! I am the fucking power source. I hope everyone gets to feel that in themselves.